Midnight Ponderings

Sometimes I can’t help but feel that there is something inherently wrong with me. Some days I feel too much…and some days I feel nothing. More often, I feel nothing. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life. My life right now consists of attempting to pick up social cues and making sure I’m responding to these cues correctly…but inside…I feel nothing. It’s like I don’t care for anyone.

Wondering what the hell I’m talking about? I don’t even know…I just feel like rambling at 2 AM. Maybe I should go back to therapy…I miss being able to ramble and not be judged for the random stuff that spews out of my mouth.



My friend asked me today how I thought I was going to die in the future. Morbid, I know.

This was my response:

“I think I’ll die from a car accident. The irony of life, you know? I’m going to die from the very thing that I am most afraid of…”

With a degree in psychology, I feel like I am always trying to diagnose myself. Do I have depression or a panic disorder? Do I have anxiety or PTSD? Honestly, I don’t know. I can’t afford to go to a therapist and seeking help for mental health problems is just not common in the Chinese community. All I know is this: I’ve been in 2 car accidents and I’ve developed a fear of driving for more than 5 years now. One was in 2010 and the other in 2013. The first one was my fault and scared me off driving at night and in the rain for a few years. The second one was the other driver’s fault. My friend and I were t-boned on the fast country roads near my college. This one was bad. That feeling of thinking your friend has died right next to you is one that sticks with you for awhile. These 2 accidents have definitely affected my psyche that I worry more about getting to an event’s location than about the actual event. I worry I’ll fall asleep at the wheel. I worry about drunk drivers. I’ve found that I can never relax in a car anymore. I can drive local roads and to places I’ve been to thousands of times, but tell me to drive a highway? Nope. Count me out.

So readers, should I start seeking therapy? Any thoughts?



I apologize for being so MIA on my blog, but I’ve been super busy dealing with finals and doing dental school stuff. Anyway, here are my recommendations from the past 2 months. Enjoy!

Side note: I’m doing a 2015 Reading Challenge recommended to me by my best friend, Jessica! Check out her blog too!

  • Paradox Series, By: Rachel Bach
    • I read all 3 books: Fortune’s Pawn//Honor’s Knight//Heaven’s Queen
    • Genre: Sci-Fi
    • Pros: amazing action sequences, strong female character, great world-building, ALIENS!
    • Cons: wish there were more books
  • The Hollows Series, By: Kim Harrison
    • I have read 4 books so far: Dead Witch Walking//The Good, the Bad, and the Undead//Every Which Way But Dead//A Fistful of Charms
    • Genre: Urban Fantasy
    • Pros: great world-building, a practical witch, surprising romances
    • Cons: some poorly-written characters, slow moments every now and then

Reading Challenge

October-November ’14 Book Recommendations

Welcome to my FIRST Book Recommendation List of 2014! I’ve decided to list my favorite books from October-November 2014 in hopes to convince more people to pick up a book. Now keep in mind that these are based on my own opinions. I like what I like.

  • Burn for Me, Ilona Andrews
    • Genre: Urban Fantasy
    • Pros: great world-building, strong family values, and headstrong heroine
    • Cons: slightly psychotic male lead
    • Notes: I love everything Ilona Andrews writes.
  • Written in Red, Anne Bishop
    • Genre: Urban Fantasy
    • Pros: great world-building, unique female lead, slow-building romance
    • Cons: can be disjointed at times
    • Notes: I was not expecting to enjoy this book so much, considering I didn’t like Bishop’s previous novels. The second book is equally as awesome!
  • Archer’s Voice, Mia Sheridan
    • Genre: New Adult
    • Pros: sweet romance, sweet/lovable male lead
    • Cons: slightly rushed ending, needs a bit more development on non-romance parts
  • Eternal Rider, Larissa Ione
    • Genre: Urban Fantasy >> Heavy on Fantasy
    • Pros: great world-building, mystery element, and character developments for all
    • Cons: too much (how should I put this) steaminess
    • Notes: You don’t need to read the 5 previous books to understand this one, but you will if you read any of the books that come after this.

I know, I know. There’s a lot of romance and urban fantasy in the list above, but it’s what I love. I can never get sick of it. I am always excited for authors that can bring new elements to these genres. Feel free to comment below with suggestions and questions!

Blurb #4


It was the first word that popped into my head when I first saw him across the room. His hair was an amazing, fiery shade of red and I couldn’t help but stare at it.

No, stop it. I shook my head and tried to clear my mind. There was no need to be obsessed with some random guy’s hair.

But then, he turned around.

I caught my breath. Of course his face was attractive. With blue eyes so piercing and a ruggedness so natural, I just knew he was way out of my league. No need to even bother introducing myself to him.

I quickly turned to the snack table and began grabbing some of everything. Food was safe. Food wouldn’t dump me. Food would always be there to comfort me. As I nibbled on a cookie and began perusing the room again, I felt a prickling sensation. I turned around and choked.

Mystery guy had locked eyes with me and was heading towards me. I quickly swallowed down the rest of my cookie and tried to stop the warmth spreading through my body. He stopped in front of me and grinned.


Blurb #3

I fell in love with him immediately. His cherubic cheeks. His tiny little hands. The way his little chest moved up and down as he napped.

My hands shook as the nurse carefully placed him into my arms. I gazed at my new son and every emotion possible just began to pour out of me. Tears streaming down my face, I sobbed into my little boy. This was home. This was the beginning of a new family.

My Carnivores Tour Experience

“‘Carnivores’ is a metaphor that is meant to convey an appetite for something visceral and substantive. I feel that’s exactly the hunger this tour will feed.”

-Mike Shinoda, Linkin Park

My appetite was definitely well fed. I am just so happy to have experienced my first concert with these amazing musicians. THE VOICES. THE LYRICS. THE PASSION. Rock music will always speak to me in a way that pop music never will.

Opening Act: AFI 

I was ok with them. I only knew one song of theirs (Miss Murder) and they did a great job with it. Good stage presence and vocals. I just felt bad for them because they were pretty much playing for an almost empty arena. Everyone was still trickling in through the gates or getting food.

Co-Headliner: Thirty Seconds to Mars 


Just WOW. Out of the three bands, I was most excited to see and hear 30STM. I’ve been listening to them for 8 years! I practically know every single song they have ever put out. From the very first note, everyone and I mean EVERYONE got up on their feet and started screaming. I got goosebumps just seeing the love everyone had for this band. Jared Leto was so charismatic and fantastic. I loved how he was always interacting with the crowd. I seriously teared up because I never wanted him to stop singing. There is so much more I could’ve said about this performance, but honestly, I can’t even form words for what I felt like during those moments. It was like I was in some strange type of cathartic joy…never wanting to fall back into reality.

Co-Headliner: Linkin Park

Now, I don’t listen to a lot of Linkin Park. A bit more than most people, but not enough to know all 27 songs they played that night. However, they pulled out all the stops for all of their songs. They sang/rap one song after another and I was just continually amazed by how good they were vocally. Even towards the end of the concert, I was astounded by how the singing and rapping never diminished in quality. Gotta give props to their stage production too. Way cool!

To summarize this entire night:



Blurb #2

I shakily knelt down and grabbed the remnants of my mangled arm. Taking a deep breath, I shoved it back in place and shuddered as the tendrils of my flesh stitched back together. I sighed and looked pointedly back at the perpetrator who just tried to hack off my arm.

“Seriously? You should know this by now. Aim for the head! That won’t grow back! Also, I know that this exercise was supposed to teach you how to attack my kind, but you didn’t have to maim me!”

My opponent scoffed. “Well, stop being so damn fast. It’s not my fault I can’t see what’s a head and what’s an arm. It just looks like one giant blur.”

I sighed again and stared coldly at the group of cocky militia soldiers behind my opponent. They shuddered and looked away. That’s right. Fear me. Because when my family is through with them, they would’ve wished they had appreciated my hardass training a lot more.

Blurb #1

“I’m right here, you idiots!” 

The demon pack stopped in their tracks and turned at the sound of my voice. I smirked. Such stupid freaks of nature. They’d been hunting for me for hours now. Yeah, right. Like I would actually let my guard down to let that happen. With my eyes narrowed, I got up on the balls of my feet and pounced.

Time for the predators to become the prey.